My Child I Never Met

Every time I find out I’m pregnant, I’m bursting to share the news with the whole world.  I just can’t wait to tell everyone that we have been blessed with another precious baby.  It takes me about an hour to process it, tell JD, tell the kids, and be ready to tell the world.   I have had several people warn me over the years about telling people too early “just in case something happens”.  I’ve always thought that was crazy, because if something were to happen, I’d want people there to support me and help carry me through it.

I found out in March that JD and I were expecting baby #7.  I was, of course, incredibly excited.  But this one was different for me.  I think because we’re getting to the point now where I was thinking, “This could maybe be my last pregnancy…” I just felt like I wanted to keep it to myself a little longer.  Plus, I was a little nervous to have the conversation with JD… “We need a bigger vehicle…” because although we had talked about having another baby, I was pretty sure he wasn’t quite as ready as I was.   So I decided to just enjoy my beautiful secret for awhile this time and take time to come up with really cool ways to tell JD, the kids, and everyone else. 

So I did.  A week went by.  Then two.  JD was really busy at work and my mama was about to go in for back surgery, so things were just busy here.  I went into this huge house cleaning mode because I knew I had exactly 2 weeks before morning sickness started and kept me down for 4 months.  I cleaned every single room in the house from top to bottom.  I went through cupboards and washed windows so joyfully because I just kept thinking about this precious little baby that only Jesus and I knew about.  Every mama knows what happens when you first see those 2 lines on that test.  Within a couple hours, you’ve pretty much got the next 18 years rough drafted in your mind.   I knew the due date, the date we would probably find out the gender, how many years apart he/she would be from each of my kids, his/her graduation year, and how old we’d be that year.  I was planning to host Easter at my house this year and was getting things together for that as much as I could because I knew by then I would be sick and not able to handle too many last-minute details.  

One of the many tests I took :)

It had been about 2-1/2 weeks since I found out I was pregnant.  I woke up that day with this little voice in my head that said, “Tell JD before something happens.” which I immediately chided myself for, because nothing was going to happen, and why would that thought even cross my mind???  I was ready, though, and couldn’t wait for him to get home from work so I could share my wonderful news! 

Then, a couple hours before he got home, I noticed I had a little bit of spotting.  It wasn’t much, but I was immediately worried.  Something just didn’t feel right.  So by the time he got home, I’d worked myself up so much that I just came right out with it, forgetting about my plans to tell him in that really cool way. 

  

“Honey, I’m pregnant.”  He smiled.  “I figured”, he said.  He was happy and excited...but I had to tell him the rest.  “But I’ve known for a couple of weeks and now I think there’s a problem.”   His smile went away.   I took away his joy.  He didn’t get to keep that happy feeling like I had – to enjoy it and savor every sweet plan.  I had robbed him of that by keeping my precious secret to myself for far too long. 

I told him what was going on and he was reassuring.  He reminded me that I’d had this happen before in previous pregnancies, and everything was fine.  All of that was true.  But I knew deep down this was different.  We decided to wait things out and not say anything to anyone right away.  I called the doctor’s office the next day when the spotting continued.  It was still light and I was still hoping it was nothing.  They told me what to watch for and tried to encourage me.  But I just knew in my heart. 

By the next day, the bleeding was a little heavier, but not a lot.  I called the office again and they told me to come in the next day for an ultrasound.  It gradually started getting heavier throughout the day.

Friday morning, March 29^th, I woke up and took my BBT.  It had dropped.  I take my temp every morning and I knew it shouldn’t have done that.  When your pregnant, it stays up the whole time.  I got up and the bleeding was much worse.  My head knew then, but still that tiny sliver of irrational hope remained.  JD had to work, and I told him I was fine, so I headed to the doctor alone.  When I got there, they asked me several questions before doing the ultrasound.  She told me they needed to do a pregnancy test before doing the ultrasound.  I had taken a pregnancy test every day for 6 days when I found out I was pregnant just to make sure it was true and to watch that line get darker and darker each day.  I’d had one extra, so I’d even taken another one 3 days before this appointment.  I had no doubt it would be positive that day. 

But then she came back in the room and said, “The pregnancy test was negative.  I’m so sorry.  We don’t need to do the ultrasound now.”  I remember saying, “It was NEGATIVE?”   She asked me if I was okay, and I said yes.  She said they didn’t have a room open, so could I wait in the waiting room until the doctor could see me?  Sure, I said. 

Then I stood up to get my things.  And it just all hit me.  It was negative.   My baby was gone.   I wasn’t going to have a brand new baby at Thanksgiving.  I wasn’t going to go home and tell the kids they were going to have a new brother or sister.  I wasn’t going to need to get out maternity clothes and I wouldn’t be getting sick this week.  I wasn’t going to be feeling those sweet little kicks that I love, or watch my tummy grow while the kids put their hands on it and squeal when they feel the kicks.  They weren’t doing an ultrasound because there was no reason.  My baby was already gone. 

I broke down in front of that sweet ultrasound tech, who told me not to move and she was going to find me a room to go to because she wouldn’t send me out to the waiting room like that.  I love her for that.  She took me to a room where I couldn’t stop crying.  I cried for my baby, and then I wondered if they believed me and wished I had brought all those tests with me to show them it was real – that there really had been a baby!  I thought they must think I’m crazy for being this upset when I wasn’t even that far along – did I have a right to feel this heartbroken at 6 weeks pregnant?  And then I thought about how I had to tell JD just 2 days after he had found out about this precious gift that he had lost it.   And I thought about how I had not even told the kids yet, but that they needed to know!!  My heart was breaking right there in that room.

Then my midwife’s assistant came in and hugged me.  She told me how sorry she was and I was relieved and so heartbroken.  Relieved that they knew my baby was real, and heartbroken that the hug was for sympathy and not congratulations.   She left and a few minutes later my midwife came in.  I loved her before, but her words that day made her so much more special to me.  She hugged me and told me that I had every right to grieve my baby, because no matter how small, it was still my baby.  I will forever love her for those words. 

I could barely see my way to my car through my tears.  I called JD and told him.  He said he was done with work early and heading home and would see me there.  I sat there in the parking lot for awhile – I just couldn’t drive right away.  I texted my dear friend and told her what had happened and asked her to pray for me.   She will never know how much her sweet words, prayers, messages, and thoughtful gifts meant to me over the next few weeks! 

I sat in my car and wrote everything that I felt in a poem to my baby.  Then I drove home to JD and my babies.   I was not expecting at such an early stage of pregnancy to see any sign of my baby.  But soon after I got home, I did.  I held in my hand what I knew was the placenta, and therefore my tiny baby as well.  Emotionally, I was such a mess.  I didn’t know what to do, but knew I could not throw it away or flush it down the toilet.  I wrapped it up and called JD and just sobbed, and told him I was holding our baby in my hand.  We cried together and he said we would get the kids, explain everything, and we would bury our baby together in the yard. 

And we did.  It was so hard.  And so sweet. 

The kids writing sweet notes on the stone they found to put over the baby's grave.

That day and many more to follow were so full of so many tears and emotions by all of us, but also so much love.  Love for my precious children, who grieved with me, and learned much about the painful process of losing someone you love.  Love for my husband who cried with me and held me up.  Love for my Mama, how has walked in my shoes and understood my loss and who has listened to me, cried with me, and given me understanding like no other.  Love for my sweet friend Lara, who prayed for me and encouraged me with scripture, and reminded me who to turn to when I needed Him the most.  She also sent me beautiful flowers that lasted weeks.  Love for my sister Missy, who gave me a beautiful necklace with 7 stones to remember my baby by, and sisters-in-law who listened and hugged me and loved me when I needed it.   Love for the sweet nurse and friend who sent me a message to check on me after I got home and tell me how sorry she was. 

And mostly love for Jesus, who gave me my precious baby in the first place.    He let me have that incredible feeling of love for another sweet gift, and because of His love for me and the price that He paid, he has given me hope - an assurance that even though I can’t see or hold my baby today, I will someday.

Losing a baby has shown me how much I didn’t understand about the hurt that comes with this loss before.  It’s truly something you just can’t grasp until you’ve walked through it.   The empty ache that you are left with is just something you can’t describe, and I know as pregnancy progresses and the more time passes, it would be even more difficult to bear.  I feel like the Lord was merciful to me in that sense.  As much hurt as I felt at this stage – further down the road would have been even more heartbreaking.

But like so many countless times in my life where the Lord has used my kids to teach me something and draw me closer to Him, He did that this time as well, and I’m so thankful for that.  The day before the bleeding started, I’d been doing a Bible lesson with my oldest kids and we were talking about how sometimes the Lord lets us go through something bad for a certain reason, and one may be that we can help someone else through that experience someday because we have walked in their shoes.  I have thought about the timing of that lesson so many times since then and been grateful for it.  I know how much it has helped me as I have grieved to hear the stories of other women who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, and in much more difficult circumstances than I.  I pray I can be that support for just one person the way that so many supported me.  

I’m also so thankful for the many times I’ve been able to point my kids toward Jesus through this experience.  From simply letting them know that they will meet their sibling someday, to talks about accepting that this is God’s perfect plan, even though we don’t understand it.  I’m so thankful that I could walk them through the grieving process now and answer their questions honestly and openly and let them see the Lord work to heal their hearts.  One of my children asked in tears, “Will it always feel like this?”  I’m so glad that child can look back and remember that the Lord can heal a broken heart even when you feel like it can’t be healed. 

I’m also thankful for the lesson I learned about understanding.  One thing I realized as I left a church service in tears a couple days after my loss, or walked through a grocery store full of pregnant tummies that made my heart hurt, is that we really never know what a person is going through.  Not many people knew about my loss when I was right in the middle of the pain.  So now when I’m tempted to wonder why someone is acting a certain way, it’s so much easier to give them the benefit of the doubt.  To be understanding rather than irritated when someone is grumpy at a checkout or doesn’t want to talk at the ball field.  You just never know what their day might have been like or what hardship they may be dealing with.

 

There are still days when my heart hurts more than others.   Weird things make me cry at weird times.  Easter was so hard because I wasn’t sick.  I know, it sounds crazy, but I cried so many times that day because I felt GOOD.   My hair started falling out like crazy this week and it hit me that this week marks the 3 month mark – I always start losing hair in handfuls 3 months after I have a baby.  But this time I have no baby to hold.  Stuff like that just hurts.  One of the hardest parts of losing my baby is that I had waited to tell everyone and therefore no one knew what I was going through.  After our loss, I wanted to tell everyone about our baby because it seemed like if I didn’t it was like it never happened.  But it was just too hard to tell people the good news and the bad all at once.  I know not everyone would feel this way, but I wished a million times that I had just told everyone right away.

Stone I got to put over baby's grave - but then I just couldn't take those sweet stones the kids had written on away, so this one ended up on my front porch. 

Writing this helped to heal my heart because I wanted to talk about my baby.  But I also hope that it helps to heal someone else’s heart if they are going through something similar.  I read a blog soon after our loss that was from a lady who had lost her baby at 6 weeks and was grieving just like me, and somehow – it just made me feel so much better.  I hadn’t realized until then that I felt like I didn’t have the right to grieve when my loss was so early on in the pregnancy.   I’m so thankful for her, and for my midwife and my mom and my friends, and everyone who just understood and validated my hurt without saying, “But it was so early.” Because it was still my baby.  And if you’ve lost a baby, no matter what stage, it was still your baby, too. 

The Lord has a way of healing our hearts, and I’m so thankful for that.  I’m so thankful that I can turn to Him with my hurt and He comforts me.  I’m so glad that because of Jesus I have the promise of meeting my precious baby someday.  I hope that if you’re reading this and you don’t know how to make sure you will see your baby in heaven someday, you will message me because I’d love to talk with you about how to know you are saved and on your way to heaven.  You can email me at lyonjoy@gmail.com 

My Child I Never Met

I never got to rock you, 

Or kiss your tiny face.
I never got to breathe your scent

Or snuggle you in my embrace. 

Your siblings haven't met you

And I didn't get to see

The proud smile and tears of joy

Run down your Daddy's cheeks. 

Though our time with you just just too short

We'll praise Him anyway.
Because we know there is a reason that

He gives and takes away. 

So for today I miss you
Because my arms can't hold you yet.
But with joy I know one day I'll hold
My child I never met. 

The poem I wrote for my baby.  It hangs next to all
of my kids' baby pictures in my bedroom.

**UPDATE**

Soon after I wrote this in 2019, we were blessed with another pregnancy!

  

God sending us this precious rainbow baby was more of a blessing than I ever deserved.  But Jesus went one step further to remind us of His great love.

Jozi Grace
Born March 29, 2020

Our sweet rainbow baby was born on the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost our baby.  It's just like Jesus to take our day of sorrow - and turn it into a day of JOY and rejoicing. 

We named her Jozi Grace.  Jozi means "Jehovah will add" and Grace is undeserved favor of God.  God once again added to our family after our loss, and what an undeserved blessing she is!! 

I listened to this song over and over the entire time I was in labor and countless times since.  I have definitely felt the greatness of His loving heart as He guided me through both sorrow and joy!

Jesus, I Am Resting, Resting - YouTube

"Jesus I am resting, resting in the joy of what Thou art. 
I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart. 
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee, And Thy beauty fills my soul. 
For by Thy transforming power, Thou hast made me whole. 

Jesus! I am resting, resting in the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart. 

Oh, how great Thy loving kindness, vaster, broader than the sea.
Oh, how marvelous Thy goodness, lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved, know what wealth of grace is Thine, 
Know Thy certainty of promise, and have made it mine. 

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art, 
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart. 
Satisfies its deepest longings, meets, supplies its every need. 
Compasseth me round with blessings, Thine is love indeed. 

Ever life Thy face upon me as I work and wait for Thee. 
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus, Earth's dark shadows flee. 
Brightness of my Father's glory, sunshine of my Father's face.  
Keep me ever trusting, resting, fill me with Thy grace. 

Jesus! I am resting, resting in the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart. 

Our sweet little Jozi Grace brings such joy to us!

Confessions of a Homeschool Mom

I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life.  A lot.  I started out as a pizza maker, then waitressed my way through college.  Finished college and taught first grade for 5 years until I couldn’t take one more single moment away from my then 2 babies and quit to become a medical transcriptionist so I could work from home.  Did Pampered Chef for awhile.  Opened up an Etsy business selling hand painted wooden signs.  Now along with my sign business my newest venture is selling Matilda Jane Clothing. 

I really like to succeed when it comes to jobs.  I kind of go into hyperdrive and want to pour myself into it.  And it’s so much fun to see success, too.  To get good evaluations, sell lots of stuff, and get compliments on your work. 

There is a job I have, though, that is more important to me than any of the above.  It’s being a mama.  I think most moms would say that.  But ever since I got to quit teaching to stay at home, I have felt so incredibly blessed to have this opportunity.  I remember what it was like to leave my babies each day at daycare and cry all the way to work, miss them all day long, and constantly pray for a way to be able to stay home with them.  That time away makes every minute I get to stay home with them even more precious to me.

Five of my precious babies!

All 6 of my kiddos

But I had this plan when I quit teaching.  I was going to be SUPER. MOM.  I mean, I wasn’t working, so I was going to have all this time, right?  We would do crafts and have schedules and be sooo organized.  We would do activities and play dates.  Dinner would be planned and on time every day.  Laundry would always be caught up.  The house would be clean. 

Oh yes.  Super Mom.

Crayons in Super Mom World

Then came reality. 

Crayons In Real Life

Apparently when you are home all day – it leaves so many more opportunities for the house to be messy.  There is no extra time because you are making more meals and cleaning them up and of course taking care of babies all day.  Also, even though I am at home, I’m also working from home, so there’s that.  Oh, and organization?  WHAT?!?! I don’t even know what that is. 

I mean – I could definitely accomplish super mom.  I just need to never sleep again.  That’s all.

This job of being a Mama – and now a Homeschooling Mama – is So. Hard.  It is a wonderful blessing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the WORLD.  But it’s HARD. 

I’m sitting here looking around in my school room.  And it is SUCH a MESS.  There are seriously toys everywhere.  Papers are left scattered where Rafe decided to do one of his cutting and pasting masterpieces.  There are sippy cups on the floor from bedtime.  There is a Playmobil village set up in one corner.  If I were to take you on a tour of the rest of the house, you would probably say, “What do you DO all day!??!”  I know you would.  Well, you might not say it out loud because you’re nice, but you would think it.  I know because I think it too.  I get to the end of the day and seriously wonder what in the WORLD I actually accomplished. 

Even worse than the messy house and all of the undone chores is that guilt trip I give myself after my kids are in bed about all of the ways I could have been a better mom and wife during the day.  Oh my goodness, I could lay awake all night just counting the number of ways I failed.  I should have read a longer book at bedtime.  I should have made a better lunch.  I should have made my husband’s lunch.  I should have been more sympathetic when ___ got hurt.  I shouldn’t have lost my patience over ___.  I should have sat down and played with them.  I should have been a better listener.  The list goes on and on and on…..

No one is going to come into my house and give me an A+ evaluation.  I will never get a gold star for organization.  I definitely don’t see a raise happening in the near future for my performance.  And if you ask me, according to my grading scale, most days I get a big fat F. 

But here is the wonderful thing.  God doesn’t use my grading scale.  He also doesn’t use any other human scale.  God cares only about the things I do that last for Eternity when it comes to being a wife and mother.  And I’m here to tell you that a clean room does not last for eternity.  It doesn’t even last 5 minutes.  The other wonderful thing is that even though I fail on the Eternity scale every single day, His Grace covers that too.  It covers all of it.  And that makes me breathe a huge sigh of relief.

So as I sat down today to get organized and map out our school year, after 6 years of homeschooling now, I can definitely say that things are not going to go as I plan.   I do not have a school in my home…my home is a school.  That means there are messes, phone calls, days off to play or shop or can applesauce, and definitely crying babies and toddlers.  There are days when I am the worst teacher ever.  There are days when it is perfect and everything goes as planned (although rare).  But this year I’m going to try to change my goals a bit.

My main focus is going to be on what will last for Eternity.  When my children are grown, if they know how to keep a clean house and are A+ students, that will mean nothing if they don’t know the Lord as their Savior. 

So here are my main goals for this school year:
1. Be intentional about our scripture memorization plan and stick with it.  Honestly, I’m starting small.  I have tried countless memorization programs and I always fall off the wagon.  I’m going for a verse a week for all of us to learn together.  If you are interested in my plan, I’ll share it with you! 
2. Be intentional about making sure each child hears a Bible story each day.  It doesn’t have to be long.  It can be one I tell or read at bedtime.  But there needs to be one every day.
3.  Use every opportunity I have to turn their hearts toward the Lord.  This may be during sibling fights, ungrateful attitudes, and disobedience.  Or it may be praising them during the times when they are doing things that God would love to see. 
4.  Model the Godly behaviors I want to see in them.  I can’t expect Godly attitudes and behaviors from my kids when I don’t model them.  I need to show forgiveness, patience, kindness, and love.  This is not always easy.  Actually it’s super hard.  But during the times when I mess up, one of the best things I can do is apologize to the kids and tell them how it was wrong and why.  They need to see how mistakes should be handled when they are made. 
5.  Pray daily for my children.  Pray that somehow, despite my mistakes, my children will grow up to serve the Lord. 

I know I will still fail.  But God knows that too, and He has taken care of that problem. 

The important thing is that I try my best and let his Grace cover the rest.

If you have set goals this year that count for Eternity, please share them!  I think practical application ideas are the best ways to get us going and it’s so great to share! 

There is a poem that I have framed in my school room that reminds me of what is most important on the hard days.  It's a poem by Roy Lessin:  

Continue On
A woman fretted over the usefulness of her life.
She feared she was wasting her potential being a devoted wife and mother.
She wondered if the time and energy she invested in her husband and children would make a difference.
At times she got discouraged because so much of what she did seemed to go unnoticed and unappreciated.
"Is it worth it?" she often wondered, "Is anything I'm doing making any difference?"
It was during one of these moments of questioning that she heard the still, small voice of her Heavenly Father speak to her heart.
"You are a wife and a mother because that is what I have called you to be.
Much of what you do is hidden from the public eye, but I notice.
Most of what you give is done without remuneration,
But I am your reward.
Your husband cannot be the man I have called him to be without your support.
Your influence on him is greater than you think and more powerful than you will ever know. 

I bless him through your service and honor him through your love.
Your children are precious to me.

Even more precious than they are to you. 

I have entrusted them to your care to raise for Me.
What you invest in them is an offering to Me. 

You may never be in the public spotlight, but your obedience 

shines as a bright light before Me.
Continue on.  Remember, you are my servant.
Do all to please Me."

I’m planning on doing a second post on our large family small homeschool room with a couple of organization things I’ve tried that are helping me!   Stay tuned!

Homemade Scripture Valentines

I love Valentine’s Day.  It’s actually one of my favorite holidays.  It’s just so happy and pretty and cheerful and….loving.  It also helps that it comes with the added benefit of lots of chocolate. 

But when I became a mom, I realized something.  I stink at this holiday.  I can’t build a cool Valentine box to save my life.   (I’m talking slap some pink construction paper on a shoebox, stick some stickers on it, and call it a day.)  My Valentine making specialty is letting the kids pick out their favorite character Valentines in the store.   Then, the day before the party I am trying to scrape together the easiest homemade Valentine treat I can find that actually LOOKS like I put some time and thought into it. 

I tell you this because if you are the mom who is reading this post on homemade Valentines, thinking, “This lady has way too much time on her hands.  I’m going to Wal-Mart for the character Valentines,” I totally get that.  I’M THAT MOM.  But a friend of mine sent me a link to some really cool scripture Valentines this year, and for some reason it inspired me to become briefly creative.   I had to make up my own because for the life of me I could NOT figure out how to find or print that link, (I’m also really not good with computers, but that’s another post entirely) and also because I wanted to make them a little more my own. 

So the kids and I came up with some Valentines this year that included a treat and a scripture verse or saying to go with it that turned the focus more toward the Lord.  I really love them and want to share with you if you, too, have a sudden burst of creativity this year.

A WORD OF WARNING:  Although making homemade Valentines SOUNDS cheaper than buying them…it’s actually not.  It’s also not easier.  It also takes more time….a lot more.  I found all of that out this year and just want to have complete disclosure before we continue. 

Here are some pictures of how our Valentines turned out:

Above are the 5 different valentines we made.  All of them have "To:" and "From:" on the back for writing in names. 

This is the candy corn valentine.  Although candy corn is not  mentioned in the Bible, the word sweet definitely is, and candy corn definitely fits under the category of sweet!  The label is made to fit a 3" wide treat bag. 

 This is the Lifesaver Valentine.  I used a Lifesaver sucker and a couple of Lifesaver Gummies.  The label is made to fit a 3" wide treat bag. 

 This is the s'more valentine.  You will need graham crackers, mini Hershey's bars, and a pink marshmallow of some kind.  I used a larger treat bag for this and connected the card by punching a hole and using the twist tie that came with the bags.  

 For this valentine I used gummy hearts, but any hearts could be used.  The label is made to fit a 3" treat bag. 

 And here, of course, are the classic conversation hearts.  Also made to fit the 3" treat bag. 

If you are interested in making these valentines this is what you will need:
Cardstock for printing the scripture cards
Candy to match whatever cards you choose
Small treat bags (I found them at Wal-Mart in the cake aisle) - both Wilton brand
A stapler and scissors 

Hole punch, if you are making the s'more valentine

I tried really hard to figure out how to link my Word document that includes the printout to this blog....but, as stated above, I am NOT good with computers.  It keeps changing the format of the document and also the fonts.  SO if you would like the printouts emailed to you, please send me an email at lyonjoy@gmail.com requesting them and I will send them your way!  

Whether you are the shoebox Valentine box mama with the character valentines, or the Pinterest mama with the awesome superbox and homemade cards and treats – I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, friends!

Our Greatest Task

I have not been able to get the Graves Family out of my head these last 2 days. My heart is breaking for them. Maybe it's because I look at the picture of their sweet boy and I see my own boys. I see their smiles. I see them playing and splashing in the water, like all boys love to do. I see us spending a fun evening together on a sandy beach watching fireworks. I see my boys picking up rocks and washing them off in the water so they can add them to their rock treasure collection. I hear their laughter as they splash each other in the water.

Then...I see myself looking away for a split second.

And I see disaster striking.

I imagine the sounds in my mind. The terror. The panic. The helplessness.

I imagine the grief. The regret. The what-ifs. The unimaginable sorrow...forever.

And I just cry for this family. And pray. Because parents....this could have been any one of us. There is not a parent among us who can say that we can see our children 100% of the time. That we can foresee every disaster that might strike 24 hours a day. Or that, even if we foresee it seconds before, that we could get there in time to prevent it.   

Those pointing fingers at this family should be ashamed.  Ashamed because they are claiming to be perfect parents.  Ashamed because they are not showing love and compassion to this family during this awful tragedy that they are having to endure.  Ashamed because they are teaching their own children by example to harbor these same arrogant and unfeeling, hateful attitudes towards others.   Ashamed because tomorrow, it could be them.   

Friends, we are given these precious children by the Lord to love and care for, to feed and clothe, to teach and train.  We have no idea how many days and hours we have to spend with each one here on earth.  As much as we may wish, we can't put our children in a bubble and protect them from every accident that they may come in contact with throughout their lives.  We Just. Can't. Foresee. Everything.   

But the Lord sees.  He sees our faults, he sees our failures.  He sees our children…and loves them even more than we do. 

Our greatest task is not to prevent all accidents.  It is to teach our children to love the Lord, to serve Him, to have faith in the One that gave them life, so that when their life on earth is over, they will have eternal life. And to do this, we should be modeling Christ-like behavior in every way we can, every single day.  So take a moment and love these parents.  Pray for them with your children.  Have compassion.  Put yourself in their shoes.  Show your children the way that Christ would act in this situation. 

And put down your weapons.  Stop accusing.  Stop spewing hateful words toward these parents.  Stop thinking that you are so much better than they are because "this would just never happen to you".  Stop pointing your finger at these parents, and instead turn it on yourself.   Have you been perfect today?    

Why I'm Done Apologizing

I say it every time someone comes through my front door.  I mean every. time. It goes something like this: 

"Please don't look at my house!  I'm so sorry it's such a mess!"  And then I proceed to try to explain how I really DO clean it, but for some reason it just keeps looking like this.  All. The time.  And how if they had just come 2 days ago, they would have seen the living room looking pretty darn clean.  Or perhaps the kitchen that day.  Not both at once, mind you, but maybe at least one. I always just feel this need to apologize….

But I'm done now.  And here's why.

1.  I'm tired of saying it.  I have considered making it the ring on my doorbell.  Or maybe just installing a little speaker outside the door that just plays that phrase on repeat.  It would save me so much time.

2.   People don't care.  I mean really.  And if they do….well, they might want to consider not coming over for the next, say, 15 years or so.  Not only do they probably not care that it's a mess, they really don't care about the reason it's a mess on that particular day. 

And the last, and most important, reason is something I have, after 8 years of raising children, just realized.

3.  There is no reason to apologize.  My house just….is right now.  It just is the way it is.  Being a homeschooling family means there are 5 little people running around this house all day long every day.  They play a lot.  And by play, I mean make messes.  At least that's what it looks like to us boring adults.  There are more tractors on my floor than there are at a tractor show.  We have enough matchbox cars and Legos to supply an entire city with at least one of each.  My pan cupboards are always strewn around the kitchen because it entertains my little guy while I cook.  We have books EVERYWHERE.  On the floors, in the windowsills, on the beds, under the beds, in baskets and bookshelves, upstairs and down.  Annie reads about 13 chapter books at one time, all throughout the day, and she leaves oceans of picture books behind her wherever she goes.  There is always about an acre of dirt, sand, and food on my floors by the end of the day that may or may not be swept up by tomorrow.  This is my life, folks. 

I am so very blessed.

My boys play with trucks together and come up with the coolest things to do with them (did you know you can do more with trucks than build a parking lot?)  I love watching Paul's face when he discovers something new as he is toddling around getting into things, crawling onto things, and splashing into things.  One of my favorite things about Annie is her love for reading.  She gets so excited about books and can't wait to get her hands on them every day.  I love it!  My kids love to play outside, and the Lord has blessed us with a big yard and plenty of things to do in it.  I love seeing them play, laugh, and run together in the sunshine and dirt.    

I have the privilege of being my kids' teacher.  I get to teach them to read, to add and subtract, to write, and most importantly, to teach them about the Lord and the kind of person He wants them to be - and I get to do it every single day.  I have them at my fingertips to train and teach and love and disciple.  Wow!!  What an awesome blessing and responsibility! 

So, yes.  My house is a mess.  But it's ok.  Because the Lord didn't give me 5 children so that I could train them about the importance of having a perfectly clean house at all times.  He gave me 5 children to raise for His glory.  And I'll take that over cleaning toilets any day. 

Picture is of a pan of oatmeal that started IN the pan and ended up
with half all over the dining room floor, and the other half mushy in the pan
because 3 boys decided to see what would happen if they dumped water in it.
**It has been 3 days and I am still finding oatmeal.**