My Child I Never Met

Every time I find out I’m pregnant, I’m bursting to share the news with the whole world.  I just can’t wait to tell everyone that we have been blessed with another precious baby.  It takes me about an hour to process it, tell JD, tell the kids, and be ready to tell the world.   I have had several people warn me over the years about telling people too early “just in case something happens”.  I’ve always thought that was crazy, because if something were to happen, I’d want people there to support me and help carry me through it.

I found out in March that JD and I were expecting baby #7.  I was, of course, incredibly excited.  But this one was different for me.  I think because we’re getting to the point now where I was thinking, “This could maybe be my last pregnancy…” I just felt like I wanted to keep it to myself a little longer.  Plus, I was a little nervous to have the conversation with JD… “We need a bigger vehicle…” because although we had talked about having another baby, I was pretty sure he wasn’t quite as ready as I was.   So I decided to just enjoy my beautiful secret for awhile this time and take time to come up with really cool ways to tell JD, the kids, and everyone else. 

So I did.  A week went by.  Then two.  JD was really busy at work and my mama was about to go in for back surgery, so things were just busy here.  I went into this huge house cleaning mode because I knew I had exactly 2 weeks before morning sickness started and kept me down for 4 months.  I cleaned every single room in the house from top to bottom.  I went through cupboards and washed windows so joyfully because I just kept thinking about this precious little baby that only Jesus and I knew about.  Every mama knows what happens when you first see those 2 lines on that test.  Within a couple hours, you’ve pretty much got the next 18 years rough drafted in your mind.   I knew the due date, the date we would probably find out the gender, how many years apart he/she would be from each of my kids, his/her graduation year, and how old we’d be that year.  I was planning to host Easter at my house this year and was getting things together for that as much as I could because I knew by then I would be sick and not able to handle too many last-minute details.  

One of the many tests I took :)

It had been about 2-1/2 weeks since I found out I was pregnant.  I woke up that day with this little voice in my head that said, “Tell JD before something happens.” which I immediately chided myself for, because nothing was going to happen, and why would that thought even cross my mind???  I was ready, though, and couldn’t wait for him to get home from work so I could share my wonderful news! 

Then, a couple hours before he got home, I noticed I had a little bit of spotting.  It wasn’t much, but I was immediately worried.  Something just didn’t feel right.  So by the time he got home, I’d worked myself up so much that I just came right out with it, forgetting about my plans to tell him in that really cool way. 

  

“Honey, I’m pregnant.”  He smiled.  “I figured”, he said.  He was happy and excited...but I had to tell him the rest.  “But I’ve known for a couple of weeks and now I think there’s a problem.”   His smile went away.   I took away his joy.  He didn’t get to keep that happy feeling like I had – to enjoy it and savor every sweet plan.  I had robbed him of that by keeping my precious secret to myself for far too long. 

I told him what was going on and he was reassuring.  He reminded me that I’d had this happen before in previous pregnancies, and everything was fine.  All of that was true.  But I knew deep down this was different.  We decided to wait things out and not say anything to anyone right away.  I called the doctor’s office the next day when the spotting continued.  It was still light and I was still hoping it was nothing.  They told me what to watch for and tried to encourage me.  But I just knew in my heart. 

By the next day, the bleeding was a little heavier, but not a lot.  I called the office again and they told me to come in the next day for an ultrasound.  It gradually started getting heavier throughout the day.

Friday morning, March 29^th, I woke up and took my BBT.  It had dropped.  I take my temp every morning and I knew it shouldn’t have done that.  When your pregnant, it stays up the whole time.  I got up and the bleeding was much worse.  My head knew then, but still that tiny sliver of irrational hope remained.  JD had to work, and I told him I was fine, so I headed to the doctor alone.  When I got there, they asked me several questions before doing the ultrasound.  She told me they needed to do a pregnancy test before doing the ultrasound.  I had taken a pregnancy test every day for 6 days when I found out I was pregnant just to make sure it was true and to watch that line get darker and darker each day.  I’d had one extra, so I’d even taken another one 3 days before this appointment.  I had no doubt it would be positive that day. 

But then she came back in the room and said, “The pregnancy test was negative.  I’m so sorry.  We don’t need to do the ultrasound now.”  I remember saying, “It was NEGATIVE?”   She asked me if I was okay, and I said yes.  She said they didn’t have a room open, so could I wait in the waiting room until the doctor could see me?  Sure, I said. 

Then I stood up to get my things.  And it just all hit me.  It was negative.   My baby was gone.   I wasn’t going to have a brand new baby at Thanksgiving.  I wasn’t going to go home and tell the kids they were going to have a new brother or sister.  I wasn’t going to need to get out maternity clothes and I wouldn’t be getting sick this week.  I wasn’t going to be feeling those sweet little kicks that I love, or watch my tummy grow while the kids put their hands on it and squeal when they feel the kicks.  They weren’t doing an ultrasound because there was no reason.  My baby was already gone. 

I broke down in front of that sweet ultrasound tech, who told me not to move and she was going to find me a room to go to because she wouldn’t send me out to the waiting room like that.  I love her for that.  She took me to a room where I couldn’t stop crying.  I cried for my baby, and then I wondered if they believed me and wished I had brought all those tests with me to show them it was real – that there really had been a baby!  I thought they must think I’m crazy for being this upset when I wasn’t even that far along – did I have a right to feel this heartbroken at 6 weeks pregnant?  And then I thought about how I had to tell JD just 2 days after he had found out about this precious gift that he had lost it.   And I thought about how I had not even told the kids yet, but that they needed to know!!  My heart was breaking right there in that room.

Then my midwife’s assistant came in and hugged me.  She told me how sorry she was and I was relieved and so heartbroken.  Relieved that they knew my baby was real, and heartbroken that the hug was for sympathy and not congratulations.   She left and a few minutes later my midwife came in.  I loved her before, but her words that day made her so much more special to me.  She hugged me and told me that I had every right to grieve my baby, because no matter how small, it was still my baby.  I will forever love her for those words. 

I could barely see my way to my car through my tears.  I called JD and told him.  He said he was done with work early and heading home and would see me there.  I sat there in the parking lot for awhile – I just couldn’t drive right away.  I texted my dear friend and told her what had happened and asked her to pray for me.   She will never know how much her sweet words, prayers, messages, and thoughtful gifts meant to me over the next few weeks! 

I sat in my car and wrote everything that I felt in a poem to my baby.  Then I drove home to JD and my babies.   I was not expecting at such an early stage of pregnancy to see any sign of my baby.  But soon after I got home, I did.  I held in my hand what I knew was the placenta, and therefore my tiny baby as well.  Emotionally, I was such a mess.  I didn’t know what to do, but knew I could not throw it away or flush it down the toilet.  I wrapped it up and called JD and just sobbed, and told him I was holding our baby in my hand.  We cried together and he said we would get the kids, explain everything, and we would bury our baby together in the yard. 

And we did.  It was so hard.  And so sweet. 

The kids writing sweet notes on the stone they found to put over the baby's grave.

That day and many more to follow were so full of so many tears and emotions by all of us, but also so much love.  Love for my precious children, who grieved with me, and learned much about the painful process of losing someone you love.  Love for my husband who cried with me and held me up.  Love for my Mama, how has walked in my shoes and understood my loss and who has listened to me, cried with me, and given me understanding like no other.  Love for my sweet friend Lara, who prayed for me and encouraged me with scripture, and reminded me who to turn to when I needed Him the most.  She also sent me beautiful flowers that lasted weeks.  Love for my sister Missy, who gave me a beautiful necklace with 7 stones to remember my baby by, and sisters-in-law who listened and hugged me and loved me when I needed it.   Love for the sweet nurse and friend who sent me a message to check on me after I got home and tell me how sorry she was. 

And mostly love for Jesus, who gave me my precious baby in the first place.    He let me have that incredible feeling of love for another sweet gift, and because of His love for me and the price that He paid, he has given me hope - an assurance that even though I can’t see or hold my baby today, I will someday.

Losing a baby has shown me how much I didn’t understand about the hurt that comes with this loss before.  It’s truly something you just can’t grasp until you’ve walked through it.   The empty ache that you are left with is just something you can’t describe, and I know as pregnancy progresses and the more time passes, it would be even more difficult to bear.  I feel like the Lord was merciful to me in that sense.  As much hurt as I felt at this stage – further down the road would have been even more heartbreaking.

But like so many countless times in my life where the Lord has used my kids to teach me something and draw me closer to Him, He did that this time as well, and I’m so thankful for that.  The day before the bleeding started, I’d been doing a Bible lesson with my oldest kids and we were talking about how sometimes the Lord lets us go through something bad for a certain reason, and one may be that we can help someone else through that experience someday because we have walked in their shoes.  I have thought about the timing of that lesson so many times since then and been grateful for it.  I know how much it has helped me as I have grieved to hear the stories of other women who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, and in much more difficult circumstances than I.  I pray I can be that support for just one person the way that so many supported me.  

I’m also so thankful for the many times I’ve been able to point my kids toward Jesus through this experience.  From simply letting them know that they will meet their sibling someday, to talks about accepting that this is God’s perfect plan, even though we don’t understand it.  I’m so thankful that I could walk them through the grieving process now and answer their questions honestly and openly and let them see the Lord work to heal their hearts.  One of my children asked in tears, “Will it always feel like this?”  I’m so glad that child can look back and remember that the Lord can heal a broken heart even when you feel like it can’t be healed. 

I’m also thankful for the lesson I learned about understanding.  One thing I realized as I left a church service in tears a couple days after my loss, or walked through a grocery store full of pregnant tummies that made my heart hurt, is that we really never know what a person is going through.  Not many people knew about my loss when I was right in the middle of the pain.  So now when I’m tempted to wonder why someone is acting a certain way, it’s so much easier to give them the benefit of the doubt.  To be understanding rather than irritated when someone is grumpy at a checkout or doesn’t want to talk at the ball field.  You just never know what their day might have been like or what hardship they may be dealing with.

 

There are still days when my heart hurts more than others.   Weird things make me cry at weird times.  Easter was so hard because I wasn’t sick.  I know, it sounds crazy, but I cried so many times that day because I felt GOOD.   My hair started falling out like crazy this week and it hit me that this week marks the 3 month mark – I always start losing hair in handfuls 3 months after I have a baby.  But this time I have no baby to hold.  Stuff like that just hurts.  One of the hardest parts of losing my baby is that I had waited to tell everyone and therefore no one knew what I was going through.  After our loss, I wanted to tell everyone about our baby because it seemed like if I didn’t it was like it never happened.  But it was just too hard to tell people the good news and the bad all at once.  I know not everyone would feel this way, but I wished a million times that I had just told everyone right away.

Stone I got to put over baby's grave - but then I just couldn't take those sweet stones the kids had written on away, so this one ended up on my front porch. 

Writing this helped to heal my heart because I wanted to talk about my baby.  But I also hope that it helps to heal someone else’s heart if they are going through something similar.  I read a blog soon after our loss that was from a lady who had lost her baby at 6 weeks and was grieving just like me, and somehow – it just made me feel so much better.  I hadn’t realized until then that I felt like I didn’t have the right to grieve when my loss was so early on in the pregnancy.   I’m so thankful for her, and for my midwife and my mom and my friends, and everyone who just understood and validated my hurt without saying, “But it was so early.” Because it was still my baby.  And if you’ve lost a baby, no matter what stage, it was still your baby, too. 

The Lord has a way of healing our hearts, and I’m so thankful for that.  I’m so thankful that I can turn to Him with my hurt and He comforts me.  I’m so glad that because of Jesus I have the promise of meeting my precious baby someday.  I hope that if you’re reading this and you don’t know how to make sure you will see your baby in heaven someday, you will message me because I’d love to talk with you about how to know you are saved and on your way to heaven.  You can email me at lyonjoy@gmail.com 

My Child I Never Met

I never got to rock you, 

Or kiss your tiny face.
I never got to breathe your scent

Or snuggle you in my embrace. 

Your siblings haven't met you

And I didn't get to see

The proud smile and tears of joy

Run down your Daddy's cheeks. 

Though our time with you just just too short

We'll praise Him anyway.
Because we know there is a reason that

He gives and takes away. 

So for today I miss you
Because my arms can't hold you yet.
But with joy I know one day I'll hold
My child I never met. 

The poem I wrote for my baby.  It hangs next to all
of my kids' baby pictures in my bedroom.

**UPDATE**

Soon after I wrote this in 2019, we were blessed with another pregnancy!

  

God sending us this precious rainbow baby was more of a blessing than I ever deserved.  But Jesus went one step further to remind us of His great love.

Jozi Grace
Born March 29, 2020

Our sweet rainbow baby was born on the 1 year anniversary of the day we lost our baby.  It's just like Jesus to take our day of sorrow - and turn it into a day of JOY and rejoicing. 

We named her Jozi Grace.  Jozi means "Jehovah will add" and Grace is undeserved favor of God.  God once again added to our family after our loss, and what an undeserved blessing she is!! 

I listened to this song over and over the entire time I was in labor and countless times since.  I have definitely felt the greatness of His loving heart as He guided me through both sorrow and joy!

Jesus, I Am Resting, Resting - YouTube

"Jesus I am resting, resting in the joy of what Thou art. 
I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart. 
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee, And Thy beauty fills my soul. 
For by Thy transforming power, Thou hast made me whole. 

Jesus! I am resting, resting in the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart. 

Oh, how great Thy loving kindness, vaster, broader than the sea.
Oh, how marvelous Thy goodness, lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved, know what wealth of grace is Thine, 
Know Thy certainty of promise, and have made it mine. 

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art, 
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart. 
Satisfies its deepest longings, meets, supplies its every need. 
Compasseth me round with blessings, Thine is love indeed. 

Ever life Thy face upon me as I work and wait for Thee. 
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus, Earth's dark shadows flee. 
Brightness of my Father's glory, sunshine of my Father's face.  
Keep me ever trusting, resting, fill me with Thy grace. 

Jesus! I am resting, resting in the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart. 

Our sweet little Jozi Grace brings such joy to us!